Friday, March 04, 2005

Corporate games and other things with balls...

Vanessa here...

So, I walk into our weekly sales and marketing team meeting yesterday and three of the sales guys are standing around, slapping each other on the back and practicing golf swings with imaginary clubs, talking about how they can't wait to get on on the green and hit some balls. I'd say some balls are banging against each other nice and hard already... Then, our VP of Sales comes in -- this evil troll of a guy with complete Little Man Syndrome -- and starts talking in meaningless terminology...

"We need to crank up the ROI for the best payout dividend for the bottom line."

and

"Let's play with these sales numbers and tease out the nuances to better benefit profitability."

and at the end...

"Let's all tickle our files for a follow up on the head's up from XYZ customer."

WHAT are these people saying? What kind of corporate games are they playing? Do I need to go down to The Language Institute of Boston and take a course in Corporitis? I mean, honestly.

Let me interpret..."crank up the ROI for best payout on the bottom line" -- translation from Corporitis means "we don't have enough money and need to charge our customers more so I can take the wife on that trip to St. Barts at the end of the year." Got it. "Tease out the nuances?" Well, that simply means "we'll dick around with the financials until they look positive and the investors won't go ape $hit asking for their venture capital back." Got that one too. "Follow up on the head's up?" Means "I don't trust you to remember to do something I ask of you, so I'm going to bug the hell out of you -- even while you try to eat your lunch -- to make sure you do what I want you to do."

Riiiiiiiiight.

Wouldn't corporate life be easier if people just really SAID what they meant instead of tap-dancing around each other with niceties and corporate bull$hit that doesn't really mean anything? Like when we were kids. When someone pissed you off, you told them....or shoved them into your stack of homemade mud pies. When someone made you happy, you let them know by drawing them a picture or carrying their books at recess. When did we lose this honesty and realism in life? At what point did it become socially uncool to tell people what you really think or how it is? Work is not a sport...it's not football, nor golf nor squash. We use computers, not rackets. We have meetings, not matches and we all do it for the individual pay checks not for the sake of teamwork.

I swear, if I get another e-mail that starts out, "Just wanted to touch base..." AHHH!! Let's get this straight. People, I do NOT play for the Red Sox, therefore there are no bases to touch., no questions to field or balls up in the air. Don't give me a head's up, nor say you'll follow up with me. I have a Palm Pilot that politely beeps at me when I need to be reminded of a task. Treat me like the responsible adult that I am. I can take it...I promise you.

Let's keep all those corporate balls where they belong, fellas....in your pants.

And that's all I have to say about it. = )

Date tomorrow night with PC...if he utters one of these catch phrases to me, he's toast...

Double Vee

2 Comments:

Anonymous Lisa M. said...

I remember back during the first Gulf War, people used to say, "Just wanted to give you a head's up on a scud missile headed your way." Bet that makes you cringe...huh? ;)

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

FYI---keep us in the loop about your date! {eeg} :)

11:51 AM  

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