Tuesday, April 19, 2005

He cooks, he cleans, he...can't kiss...

Vanessa here...

Sorry I haven't reported in from my Saturday night date. Things have been hectic here at work and then there was the marathon yesterday and Boston is completely paralyzed. You can't get anywhere or do anything because there are people everywhere. I mean, it's just a bunch of skinny people running for fuck all...what's the big deal? I've never been one of those people to hang out at a bar in Cleveland Circle and cheer on the runners all day. I mean, I'd feel sort of guilty chowing down potato skins and Sam Adams when these healthy runners are out there killing themselves on Heartbreak Hill...really!

So, who cares about people running through the suburbs of Boston...you want to hear about the date, right? Well, it was very nice. No, no sex...but please, it was only the second date. And technically, not even, since he ditched me in the roller blading incident. In my mind, it was the "get to know me" date.

Ethan came over and I thought it was going to be to pick me up and take me to his place, but when I opened the door, he handed me over a bag of groceries from Stop 'n Shop. (Good thing Mia had plans with Larkin and was out for the evening.) I showed him back to my kitchen that Mia and I barely use (she's an intern at Mass General and only has time for roll ups on the go) and he makes camp. He brought all these makings for a pizza party. Dough, fresh mozzarella, basil, sauce, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms. He also had salad makings, a tiramisu from the bakery. And he brought this gigomonic bottle of Yellotail Shiraz, which was way, wicked yummy.

We spread everything out on the counter and put all the toppings and stuff into little bowls so we could choose our ingrediants. Then, we made these individual pizzas and put them on the pizza stone that Mia had, but has never used. I made the salads and broke out the new bottle of Hidden Valley I had in the fridge. I never really got up the nerve to ask him why we didn't go to his place...and he didn't offer. Very strange. Maybe there was a breakdown in the communication. I assume, "I'll make dinner for you," means I go to his pad and he cooks to impress me. Good thing Mia had already cleaned up our shit hole of an apartment. She's been pulling some late nights at the hospital and has been living like a piggy with her Chinese food containers left in the dining room on top of all of her medical journals. I would have been mortified if Ethan had seen the place like that.

So, we get our pizzas together and go into the living room to dig in. I spread a sheet on the floor (one of Mia's new Ralph Lauren sheets...don't tell her!) and we had like this little Italian picnic on the floor with candles. I turned on the computer and cued up some music on Rhapsody.com...which was nice. We munched out on the salad and his yummy homemade pizzas.

In the course of the evening, I learned the following:

1. Ethan's from Vermont and used to milk cows as a kid
2. He works for Fidelity and wanted to talk me into opening an IRA (no hard sell, please!)
3. He went to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore for undergrad and Harvard for grad school (impressive, I must say)
4. His sister has three month old quadruplets (ouch!)
5. His parents have retired to Scottsdale so his father can play golf
6. He has a place on Nantucket that he rents in the summer
7. He's allergic to lobster...not shellfish...just lobster
8. He can peel and orange all in one strip
9. His eyes turn from blue to purple on rainy days (cool...wanna see that)
10. He once rode in an elevator in Toronto with Chris Rock and Al from Home Improvement
11. He ran the Boston Marathon in 2001, but said "no way, no how" ever again
12. He enjoys watching "America's Next Top Model" (who doesn't?!)
13. He does dishes
14. He can't kiss for shit.

See...there HAD to be something wrong with him. Just had to be. Cute, fun, polite, he cooks, he cleans...he can't kiss. I mean, not just like 6th grade spin the bottle where you take any random smooch you can...but more like, just can't get it right. There was too much tongue action, then not enough, then it was like he was stabbing me with the damn thing. Then, when he started kissing my neck and my ear, I was a bit relieved and tried to relax into it, but then it was like I was bathed in saliva...ewwwww....gross!

We ended the evening on a friendly note and the peck on the cheek was nice, warm and appreciated. He even let me keep all of the leftover pizza makings and extra pies we'd made. He is a nice guy and I had a good time...but can I see myself married to that kind of a kisser? Hell no! Kissing is like the key to life...you kiss good morning, you kiss goodnight, you kiss hello from work...you kiss in the heat of the moment...it's an important function of life.

Maybe there's a class at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education for kissing? I mean, didn't some chick at some point in his life TELL him this? Why is this my luck? What's the problem? Are there no normal men out there?

I have no idea what to do with this. He wants to see me again. But I don't know. Am I totally shallow not wanting to date Forked Tongue Messy Man? If he's this sloppy kissing, imagine what sex would be like! Nasss-tay, baby! It was just...unpleasant, people...I'm not making it up.

Ah well...back to the drawing board...

At least there's some Yellowtails Shiraz left over...

Double Vee


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you didn't even like get a steak or anything? or some shrimp or something more expensive? this dude's a cheap skate. punt.

8:31 PM  
Blogger Julia Chamberlain said...

Vanessa, I totally feel your pain. I once dated a guy who couldn't kiss for shit as well. What is it with guys? Ross on Friends once said that kissing for guys is like the opening band at an Aerosmith concert. They're okay, but they're not what you came for.

Hey, if they can teach classes to women on how to give a BJ, they give guys classes on how to kiss.

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Liza said...

I had a guy who once licked my nose! My nose. Gross. Don't guys practice kissing when they're little kids? I don't get it.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. I feel horrible 'cause he's so cute, but I can't see myself settling for that tongue the rest of my life.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Jill Winters said...

i've always felt that girls train guys how to kiss right. guys don't know what they're doing; they have no clue until a woman shows them.

so give him another chance and show him (by example) how to do it... then make sure you tell us what happens ;)

7:17 PM  
Blogger Brenda Bradshaw said...

Oh I feel your pain! I once had a guy that dang near raped my mouth with his tongue. When I broke free, I laughed. I couldn't help it. Then I walked away (which sucked because he'd come to visit from an online chat room.) His problem, NOT mine. I totally and absolutely agree with you: Ditch it now, not later when your emotions are totally involved and he still kisses like his tongue is a sword and your mouth is Zorro who MUST DIE NOW!

Trust me on this one: Do it NOW. They cannot be taught a new way after like....25 yrs old.

Just don't run the other way on rollerblades. He'd catch you.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Women expect too much. If guys suck at things it's not cause of lack of expectations because if that's the only possible cause men would be walking on eggshells around women bein scared. If that's goin on and women are still Bitching There fundimentally bitchy. Not all women are like this being There ARE women who don't need to Be SPANKED. There just not on this blog.

5:56 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You all prove that guys are expected to be perfect thus if Men are flawed it's not cause cosmos lacks expectations, less because were spoiled brats. Men's flaws are vary inate and you need to get over it. If men are tolerable and women can't stop Bitching still, it's cause they're fundamentally bitchy. Not all women are like this being There are plenty of women who don't need to Be !SPANKED! There just not on this blog.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You all expect men to be perfect thus if all men are super flawed it's not cause of lack of expectations, much less because were spoiled brats. It's because those flaws are inate and you need to get over it. not all women are like this. There are women who don't need to Be !SPANKED! There just not on this blog.

6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't realize the first three comments above are posted. I thaught they failed to go through.

6:10 PM  

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