Thursday, May 12, 2005

Can't we just do our jobs and go home?

Vanessa here...

Well, this e-mail came out today from our HR Chick today (and if you thought Julie from Love Boat was perky and bubbly -- and yes, I'm aware the actress was on cocaine all those years and it helped -- you ain't seen nothing with our HR woman) all about "pulling together" and "being part of the company family" and "quality of life" and other bullshit. They're all pumping us up and cheerleading and trying to rah-rah the company when isn't it enough that we spend the majority of our days here? Now...get this...we have to go on team building events. (My ass slams shut at the thought of it!)

Team building?! Why??? To get to know the software engineers better? They grunt when you pass them in the hall...they don't want to get to know anyone better. What??? Do I need to hang out with the fresh-from-college kids in the research room who are rotating who's zooming who like episodes of Melrose Place? I mean, I like the people I work with...they're cool, hip and fun. My boss, Aislin, is like 12 years older than me and she's awesome. And then there's Jack who sits next to me...he does our newsletters and such and he's a riot. Why do we have to "build" together? Can't we just do what we're paid to do and then go home at the end of the day?

The memo was all about mentoring and nurturing our careers and making the company our home. Well, sorry...but I don't want an old converted warehouse in Cambridge with little veal cubes to be my home! Home is my apartment, where the clothes are piled so deep in my room that it's like that scene from "Star Wars" when they're in the trash compactor. It's my mess and I love it. Home is with my friends...drinking, having dinner, hanging out. Home is not where I earn my paycheck.

And these team building activites are simply asinine. The sales and customer relations teams are out of the office all day today painting a girls detention center as part of the "Spirit to Serve" day here at the company. Marketing is stuck with the IT people and we're doing a “Power Lunch” for the homeless at the Salvation Army. Just reading it...sounds so...tacky! What do I have to say to these poor, unfortunate souls that can be solved in a power lunch? The phrase just makes my ass twitch. (I know, my ass seems to be sensitive today...) Then, as if that's not enough...there's more! Tomorrow (Friday) they're breaking us up alphabetically into five groups. My buddy Griz is having to go on a canoe ride all day up in New Hampshire. (She's going to freeze!) I get to go play laser tag. LAME!!! Can't they just give us the day off to go home and do whatever we'd like to do?

Guess they didn't like my ideas... for "Spirit to Serve," let's take "Not-So-Goody Bags" to convicted corporate criminals. Then our Self-Mutilation Club will meet until someone faints.

Baaaaaaaad Vanessa...

So...I leave you with these jokes that Jack forwarded to me this morning...I think it sums it up nicely...


A Few Corporate Lessons for You...

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" It was Bob the next door neighbor,"she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory" Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.""Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. "Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. "Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up, "the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree " sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Hang loose...

Double Vee


Anonymous Jordon Thompson said...

>>Guess they didn't like my ideas... for "Spirit to Serve," let's take "Not-So-Goody Bags" to convicted corporate criminals. Then our Self-Mutilation Club will meet until someone faints.<<

This is the funniest fuckin' thing I've ever read.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Donna said...

Hey Vee,
I am a fellow easterner hanging out in Southern California for the past 15 years. I like reading your stuff? Yes, I have a life! Thought you might enjoy this!

8:31 AM  

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