Thursday, May 05, 2005

Oh, city of mine...where are all the cute guys?!

Vanessa here...

So, I'm sitting in my car at Government Center in downtown Boston waiting for my roommate, Mia, to meet up with me following her shift at Mass General. We were going to go for appies and wine over at Kinsale Pub. As usual, thinking I'd be late, I got there way too early. I got out my notebook to make a grocery list for later, but then I got distracted by people watching. Then, suddenly it hit me...

Where are all of Boston's cute guys???

I watched, I looked, I gawked...but none of these men walking by were cute in the least. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way...just a matter of fact way. None of them were cute. I mean,'s the list I came up with in my half hour waiting for Mia. (Then you'll believe me!)

  1. Bouncy Man (walking like his shoes were spring-loaded)
  2. Vietnam Vet looking guy with a napsack strapped to his back
  3. Hip Hop Guy grooving out to his own beat
  4. Mr. White Legs...and I'm not talking just regular New England I-Just-Put-On-Shorts-For-the-First-Time-Since-August look. I'm talking In-Need-of-a-Blood-Transfusion white!
  5. Five-Foot-Two Guy...too wee for me
  6. Bike Courier Dude...okay, nice body, full Lance Armstrong attire as he peddled by...I think the cigarette he was smoking was a bit too much
  7. Ponytail Dude, unshaven, drinking unidentifiable liquid from paper bag
  8. Dapper Old Black Man...with a Fred Sanford hat on
  9. Cell Phone Guy #1...phones mashed against people's face with them blabbing on, does not make them attractive
  10. Guy Who's Pants Were Waaaaaaay Too Tight...'nuff said
  11. Guy With High Waters...was he expecting a flood some time soon?
  12. Cell Phone Guy #2...
  13. Guy With Girlfriend...not very cute, but they looked happy...yeah her!
  14. Guy Who Weighs 75 Pounds...I mean, each some brownies, man!
  15. Guy Fiddling With CD Player...totally oblivious to the world around him...CDs are apparently his life and chief concern
  16. Old White Man...with a Fred Sanford hat on
  17. Bald-Skinny Government Worker...exiting the JFK Federal Building...still wearing his staff ID prominently, like he wanted people to look at it
  18. Male Nurse from Mass General...aka Cell Phone Guy #3 (not cute)
  19. Barenaked Lady Guy...guy who looked exactly like lead singer Stephen Page
  20. Freezing to Death Guy...bundled inside his parka like it was -20 below and he was in the tundra with no other protection
  21. Old Asian Man...with a Fred Sanford hat on (what's the dealio, yo?!)
  22. Guy in Dirty Puma Sweatshirt...I mean, honestly amigo, did you not have anything clean to tug on when you left the house. Oh, and the backwards baseball hat didn't help
  23. Cute Guy n Nice Suit...finally!!! Headed to the gym.
  24. Man in Flowery Shirt With Wife...obviously a tourist
  25. Jogging Asian Man...don't stop him or it'll fuck up his routine!
  26. Chubby Guy with Lunch Box...adults actually take lunch boxes to work with them?!
  27. Student Buried in Book...looked like Harry Potter or something
  28. Old Man in Hurry...carrying three briefcases...
  29. Indian Man Talking to Himself...'nuff said (are you seeing my point yet?!)
  30. Ponytail Man #2 With Sandwich...this guy's cramming a Subway in his face and yet he's managing to oggle the ass of every passing woman. You might want to wipe off that lettuce that's hanging off your chin pubes, dude
  31. Red Sox Fan...with girlfriend (not cute, though)
  32. Pudgy Man in a Hurry...with a large hole in the left butt cheek of his jeans
  33. Really Cute Guy...headed to gym (do I see a pattern, finally?)
  34. Yawning Man...face was so contorted, I couldn't make a judgment call
  35. Skinny Jogger...struggling to get up the hill
  36. Saluting Old Dude...instead of waving at people, he was snapping salutes
  37. Borderline Cute Guy...he was wearing beige painter pants, though, circa 1982!
  38. Cell Phone Guy #4
  39. Cell Phone Guy #5
  40. Cell Phone Guy #6 (maybe they were on a conference call with each other)
  41. Angsted High School Boy #1
  42. Angsted High School Boy #2 (jail bait, people!)
  43. Uncute Man going to gym (there goes that theory)
  44. Absentminded Guy...ran out RIGHT in front of a car!
  45. Lime Green Plaid Man...couldn't get past the shirt, sorry...
  46. Bald Biker Dude...with a serious set of man boobs...get a bra!
  47. (ooo...distraction...a woman who looked exactly like Dame Maggie Smith! Maybe it really was her...that would be cool!)
  48. Man With Bad Comb Over...and a gold tie...ewww...
  49. Older Man with Bulbous Gin Nose...could see the broken capillaries from here
  50. Suit and Sox Cap Guy...not very cute, but you could tell he thought he was...

And finally, Mia arrives to save me! What is the deal, people? TWO OUT OF FIFTY MEN in my wonderful city of Boston, home of the World Champion Red Sox, birthplace of freedom, makers of baked beans....2 of 50 men are cute?! How will I ever find a boyfriend? How will I ever live happily ever after with odds like these?

Can someone -- anyone -- tell me where to find the cute guys in Boston? Obviously, not at Government Center!

Must get to work...



Blogger carpundit said...

I work at Government Center.
I drink at the Kinsale.
And I'm still cute, dammit. Maybe a bit old for you, but still cute.
I hope I wasn't in the 48; I didn't see myself.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous whoever said...

Go to Davis Square. If you can filter through all the college students, there are cute guys from all walks of life. It may not be Boston Proper, but it's a lovely T ride over the river.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous eeka said...

Well, you are right in the neighborhood of a huge Department of Mental Health center and several agencies (including mine!) that provide services to people with chronic mental illness, most of whom have extensive homeless history. The various programs serve a few thousand people per day, and for many of these folks, lurking around Haymarket and Government Center is the core of their social life. So you see a lot of people from these programs hanging around.

While these are by and large some really wonderful people, most of them ain't cute, and most of them don't have interpersonal and intrapersonal skills that are particularly compatible with most typical folks' cultural norms. This might be why you're not finding anyone cute around here.

11:44 AM  

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