Friday, June 03, 2005

I hate my landlord...

Vanessa here...

One of the downsides to being young and single in the big city is you have to take the housing situations you can get. There aren't really apartment complexes here like out in Generica. You basically rent a floor of someone else's house and it's called "charming." Mia and I live in Cambridge in a 100 year+ three-family house on this residential street. We live on the middle floor of the three-family house. Below us are five college students who smoke pot all the time. (We can get a contact high hanging out by the heater vents.) And upstairs is The Freak of Nature. Our landlord. Dan Paulsen. He looks like an offspring of Herman Munster with his large forehead and hulking walk. He walks like an elephant (rattles our dishes, let me tell you) and listens to NPR turned up to "eleven."

Mia swears when he drops change on the floor, you can tell the exact denomination of all the coins as they bounce around.

Every morning, it's bump-de-bump-bump-bump at five o'clock on the dot. It's like the dude jumps out of bed each morning. We can hear him when he goes potty (#1 AND #2...ewww...) and he sings in the shower. (TMI!!) I don't know how is wife puts up with him. She's a nurse and is never home, working odd hours, so The Freak of Nature (FofN) is sort of a stay-at-home work-from-home type of husband. He's some sort of financial wizard and works from his home office, leaving only on weekends when he religiously goes to see his "mah'tha" like a good New England-grown man.

Thing about Dan Paulsen, aka, The Freak of Nature, he's anal-retentive, obsessive compulsive and he acts like he's mine and Mia's father. Scowling at us when we come home at certain times, fussing at us for our music, complaining when we grill out on the back porch (he doesn't like the smell of cooking food) and always snooping in our mail box.

You should see him in winter time. He's one of those people who'll spend three hours shoveling the show in front of our house and then sets out lawn chairs and garbage cans to "save" places for us and the pot-smokers downstairs.

This morning, though, I'm sleeping in a little bit since I don't have to be at work until nine and I hear this buzzing sound. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........ I cover my head with the pillow. I mean, it's six-thirty!!! But the sound penetrates even the thick pillow. So, I get up and look out the window. Outside stands FofN with a leaf blower! At six-thirty in the morning?!?! And the thing is, there are no leaves to blow! It's June, for Christ's sake! He's basically standing out there blowing dirt around. And making a lot of noise.

I open the window and yell down to him. After about five minutes of screaming and waving my hands, I finally get his attention...

VV: "Mr. Paulsen, isn't it a little early to be making so much noise?"

FofN: "I have to do this before the rain sets in today."

VV: "But it's not supposed to rain until late this afternoon.

FofN: (stares at me like the guy at the fish counter)

VV: "I was really trying to get some sleep here."

FofN: "Don't you have a job, Vanessa? You should be getting up and going to it."

VV: "I do, but I don't have to go in until nine and I'd like to get some sleep."

FofN: "Did you get fired? Are you not going to be able to pay me my rent? Because if you're not, I have a cousin who can move into your place immediately."

VV: "No, Mr. Paulsen. I didn't get fired. I just want to get some SLEEP!"

FofN: (waving and putting his goggles back into place) "Okay then..."

And he turns the FRICKING leaf blower back on! Doughy-of-middle and slack-of-jaw he returns to his Promethean task ...

Needless to say, I got up, showered, got dressed and got to work early. The coffee's kicking in, but thanks to the FofN, I'm completely discombobulated. At least it's Friday. A bunch of us are going out for cocktails after work. And then, if the weather's nice tomorrow, Griz and I are going to the beach!

Hang loose people...

Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

this guy sounds like a dick. get him some medication. ;-)

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are too much, I can't take it. No matter what kind of day I have had I can come home read your blog and with my over active imiganition I see you acting out your "227" stichk. (ie. you yelling down to the landlord over the leaf blower). Don't ever stop writing. What will I do for entertainment.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Why thanks, Rea! Glad you enjoy visiting and keep coming back. Plenty of adventures in store!

5:52 PM  

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