Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Ramblings from the corn field...

Vanessa here...

I think I'm running out of things to talk about. Let's see, I've bitched and carped about the weather (which I could still do plenty of), I've talked about my job, my friends, my landlord, my lack of a boyfriend. I've ripped apart TV shows and certain parts of the city I live in. I've posted beefcake pictures and quizzes. What is there left to do?

You want a recipe? Nah...I'm not a good cook. A wine recommendation? I pretty much buy whatever's on sale. A movie to see? Well, of course, it's Brangelina's movie. Who cares about plot or storyline...people just want to see them get it on.

Oh, I do have a story about my landlord. Okay...I do have something to talk about. So, remember how he's all Farmer Ted out in the yard with the leaf blower? Well, now he's taken to mowing the grass every Monday morning. Same buzz-saw sound as the leaf blower. Thing is, the backyard is like twenty feet by twenty feet and it takes him an hour to do it. He criss-crosses and goes back and forth and I swear he's either trying to make it into a putting green or he's trying to make patterns in the grass. His wife (a quite normal woman, actually) planted a small garden on the right wall of the fence. She's got tomatoes, peppers, basil and parsley. The basil looks like wild jungle foliage and I admit, I snuck out there the other night for a little bit of it to put on my fettucini alfredo that Mia made for us.

But the funny part is, over the weekend, Griz and some friends from work came over and we were sitting on the back porch drinking and cutting up and there's Mr. Paulsen out back with a flashlight staring down at the left side of the yard next to the fence. He's all sneaking around Mulder and Scully style, skulking around with the flashlight. So, we got all quiet and watched him. He was tending to something like it was a secret and he didn't want anyone to see him. The next morning, after he left in his car with NPR blaring, I went out back to see what he was looking at. Get this, the crazy-assed man has planted CORN in the back yard. Just two stalks of it, mind you. They're about four inches each and he's got a little sign with a picture of corn on it, as if to indicate to the world what it is.

Doesn't he realize he can get corn at the grocery store? Why this return to Green Acres in the middle of Cambridge? I guess I understand the tomatoes and basil, that's like staples you can plant in your yard, but a couple of stalks of corn just sounds mental to me. Why can I, like, see him in our creepy basement making a dress out of the husks and silks like some sort of Jame Gum rip off from Silence of the Lambs?

I think I'll go to the store tonight, buy a can of creamed corn and leave it in his mailbox. Or better yet, scatter it on the ground around his stalks like there's been a corn massacre or something. Bwah ha ha ha ha... I. Am. So. Mean.

Ah well...time to get back to work. Must generate some leads for the sales people to make some money.

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...


2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe if it gets really hot, it'll start popping and your freakish landlord will think it's snowing and he'll freeze to death.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

LOL, Anon. I think that's an old fable my grandfather used to tell me. Course, it works here. Thanks for the laugh. :)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

just popped over from Liz's site. She had a link. Hope you don't mind.
Re: Corn, only 2?? I hope one is a male and the other female. That's the only way corn gets fruit. (or veggie as the case may be). They HAVE to cross pollinate. Does your landlord know that? Is he going to help them "do it"? If he planted only 2, what is his secret in knowing he has one of each? I certainly can't tell which is which. He's going to be sorely disappointed after all that X-file prep when he only gets tall leafy plants. He's got to plant at least 12 for a true corn party. Your landlord sounds very entertaining.
Anyway, it was nice visiting you.

8:17 AM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

LOL Michele...you know, I don't know if The Freak of Nature even knows that. It'll be interesting to see if anything sprouts up or not. He's a financial wizard, so I don't exactly think he's Oliver Douglas. :)

8:19 AM  

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