Monday, August 08, 2005

All Chicken...All Day...

Vanessa here...

Hope everyone had a great weekend and is weathering through the sluggishness better known as Monday. I swear, I'm going to have to start upping my coffee dosage just to get through the day. I'm not as young as I used to be.

So, everything's all weird in my office. First of all, we got a new CEO and let me tell you...he's skeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery. His name is Steve Vaddar. He's almost seven feet tall, skinny, lanky with a scraggly beard. And yes, first day and everyone's already calling him Darth Vaddar (I's not spelled the same way, give me some leeway, people.) He doesn't smile. He doesn't laugh. He barely talks. He just walks through the cubes. Scaring the shit out of all of us.

That's the other thing. Darth Vaddar decided to "mix things up a bit" in the office. He doesn't think it's productive for people in the same team to be sitting with each other. So, we had fruitbasket turnover today (man, the IT guys were ape shit!) and had cube re-arranging day. Now, why is it smart to break the marketing people up? That makes no sense to me. These are the people I work with every day. Why do I have to sit across from an inside sales guy now. And behind me is a client services chick. She's nice enough, but she likes to talk. I mean, diarrhea of the mouth.

Her name is Mara and she's very nice, but like I said, she's a bit of a Motor Mouth. Any time I grunt or groan or react to an e-mail or joke or something, she shouts out "What?!" Then, I have to explain everything. At lunch, she came and plopped her thigh up on my cube top and started smacking on a package of Perdue pre-cooked chicken slices. She proceeded to tell me she had begun an "All Chicken" diet. For the next month, she's going to eat nothing but chicken...all day, every day. Chicken for breakfast. Chicken for lunch. Chicken for dinner. Chicken for dessert.

I asked why...I mean, isn't that, like, not particularly healthy?

She said she needs to shed 15 pounds by Labor Day because she's going on vacation to Fort Lauderdale and she has to lose weight.

But there are other ways, I say...trying to think of her health.

However, she's convinced that a straight chicken protein diet will do the trick for me.

What happens when she gets home and starts eating normally again?

Mara leans in and says, "Honey, after that, I won't care. I'm going to Fort Lauderdale for one purpose. To get laid."

Ohhhhhhhh-kaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Didn't we just meet, like today?

Well, okay, Mara. More power to you, girlfriend. Enjoy those grilled chicken omelets, those chicken smoothies and that chicken cheesecake. (Did you just gag? I did.)

I mean, I'm desperate for a good date and sure, I could stand to firm up a little bit, but haven't people heard of Weight Watchers or...going to the gym?

Ooo...gotta go...Darth Vaddar just walked by and my marketing buddy, Jack, just e-mailed me that the Force is not with me.

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

my mother once went on an all grapefruit and scrambled egg diet. her farts were deadly.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said... friend "j"...I think that's a little TMI, bud! *EG*


10:00 PM  
Anonymous stephanie k. said...

That chick sounds weird. (No pun intended.)


6:14 PM  

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