Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I'm more convinced than ever...

Vanessa here...

While I'm wallering around in my own connubial bliss (well, not technically, just my wishful thinking...also the phrase is props to my home girl, DP ;-), I'm still surrounded by friends who just can't get it right. And it makes me more convinced than ever that my friends -- and women in general -- are just insane. Is it in our DNA? Does it come with menstruation? Why can't we avoid these fucked up relationship situations?

Many of you have been kind enough to e-mail and relay your case studies. So, I present a few more for your consideration. Now, I'm no sociology major and I only took one psych class in college, but I'm beyond advice for these women...

Case Study #5: Eggplant is in a quandary. Somehow, she woke up Sunday morning with two fiances. Yes, you read that right. You see, Eggplant has been engaged to Radish for almost a year. The two of them bought a house outside the 128 beltway of Boston. See, Radish is some sort of corporate geologist or something and just got a job with one of the huge oil companies in Indonesia. He's there now and Eggplant has been depressed. So, she goes home to suburban Chicago two weekends ago to see her parents and who does she hook up with but Watercress, her high school boyfriend. They spent the whole weekend together doing God knows what Eggplants and Watercress do when they stir fry. This is all while Radish is in the Pacific and Eggplant is supposed to be planning the wedding! Eggplant says she's going ahead with the wedding...until last Friday night Watercress shows up at her doorstep with a ring asking her to marry him, instead. The wedding to Radish is this weekend, Watercress has threatened to show up and protest, but Eggplant says she's going through with it, but she'd rather return home to the suburbs, marry Watercress and start having his babies. So, poor Radish in Indonesia doesn't know that Eggplant shrugs and says, "I'll get married and if it doesn't work out, in six months, we'll just get divorced." And they say the gays are ruining the institution of marriage. *sigh*

Case Study #6: Radicchio has been dating Green Bean since 10th grade in high school, all the way through college and two years out. It was inevitable they get married. Which they did, last summer. I swear to God, I've never seen anyone more scared shitless walking down the aisle. We all thought she was going to bolt. (The wedding cost a quarter of a mil, so I guess it was wise she didn't.) We just all thought it was nerves and stuff, but as it turns out, she feels very stifled in life, saying the only person she's ever slept with is Green Bean. So, six months into the marriage, Radicchio is clearly not happy and suddenly she's got eyes for one of the new sales guys at work: Acorn Squash. Acorn Squash is your typical software salesman: determined, busy, Mr. Golf. But he's attentive to Radicchio and next thing I know, they're doing the white man's overbite. She then moved out of her house with Green Bean and moves in with Acorn Squash. They are blissfully in love (for now), but it's a year to the date of Radicchio and Green Bean's wedding and she's just now filing for divorce. Why? Because if she did so before now, she would have had to have returned all of the wedding gifts because it fell under the year! As if!!!! (Oh, and Radicchio and Acorn Squash are expecting a little vegetable patty in 9 months...surprise, surprise.)

Case Study #7: Okra is a really nice girl. She's average pretty, average size, goes to church, never misses work and always remembers her friends' birthdays. She rarely dates, although she makes it clear to people that at (almost) 40, she's really looking to settle down and have a family "before it's too late." She goes online three months ago and posts her profile and information on She fills in all of the information accurately; her hopes, dreams, desires, likes and dislikes. Then comes the photo entry. Only, it's not her. It's a photo she got from a picture frame she got at CVS. The woman in a flaming, gorgeous redhead, a la Nicole Kidman in "Days of Thunder" and is wearing a bikini. Now, Okra is a dirty blonde with long hair, a nice face, large eyes and pert lips. She's a cutie. So, why do this? Well, as you can imagine, the date requests started pouring in. Okra would set a date and then show up at the restaurant or whatever to check the guy out. Of course, they're looking for the redhead bombshell and quiet Okra's sitting in the corner nursing a drink, never going up to meet them. She says she "just wants to see what kind of guy would answer an ad like that." One guy, Corn, shows up and he's literally her dream guy. He's in jeans a button down and a Red Sox cap. He's perfect. She doesn't talk to Corn, though, but next day online makes up some bullshit about getting caught at work. So, they meet up the next day and he's dressed pretty much the same. He's shocked, of course, that Okra isn't anything like her picture, but he's willing to get to know her. Then he takes off his Red Sox had and he's like bad, freaky bald! Okra goes ballistic, telling him how he lied on his description and how he'd deceived her with the cap. Corn's like, "but you said you were a thin, thirty-year-old redhead!" She doesn't get that her lie is as big as his, so she tosses his beer in his face and walks out in a huff! Corn, as you can imagine, popped his top. (Oh, come knew I had to get a pun in here somewhere!) What did she expect? Did she never see the movie "The Truth About Cats and Dog?"

Honestly...these women! Are we all this vulnerable? This desperate? This...fucked in the head?

I guess the answer is...yes.

Please feel free to share stories of your own in the comments section, or e-mail them to me and I'll recount here.

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

and people wonder why i'm still single.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Care to share any of your personal case studies "j?"

6:34 PM  
Anonymous emily said...

Do you really know these women??

My friend's story isn't as bad as some that you've posted, but after meeting a guy online, convincing him to move from Boston to Detroit, and accepting his marriage proposal, she started spending LOTS of time with a different guy "friend" who had previously professed his attraction to her.
Do you think she stopped seeing this so-called friend? Nope...

In fact, once when her fiance was out of town for business, she let this "friend" spend the night IN THEIR BED while she slept on the couch--supposedly he twisted his ankle and couldn't drive home. *rolling eyes*

She even went on a mini-holiday with him up north, and they SHARED A HOTEL ROOM!!! Separate beds, but still!
She even spent the night at his house during the Blackout of 2003 because she didn't think she had enough gas to get home! *still rolling eyes*

Thankfully she's not friends with him anymore, but it took a suicide threat to make her shake him loose.
I think she still secretly talks to him, but doesn't tell us because she knows that we'd stop talking to her...

These women give ALL women a bad name! I hate it....

11:14 AM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

No, I don't actually know all of these women. People have been sending me their these are people that SOMEONE knows.

Eek on the online meeting story. I'm sure there are a lot of people who have wonderful, successful online meets, but it just sounds a bit creepy to me. Hope your friend's okay.

Anyone else got a story to share?

5:15 PM  
Anonymous emily said...

Oh no...she married the online guy!! The other freak was someone she met at school...supposedly!

9:13 AM  

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