Thursday, August 25, 2005


Vanessa here...

So, I know people think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is all about television and drama and stuff, but there's a lot to be said for that show and the "lessons" they're teaching men. Little things like:
  • don't live like a heathen in a pig sty
  • shave and bathe regularly
  • clean your toilet on a regular basis
  • be polite and nice to other people
  • in general, don't be an asshole

Okay, so they come in, clean your house, teach you how to cook a lobster salad, how to make your girlfriend feel special. They chop long hair, snip bad chops and style unruly locks. But one of the greatest lessons The Queers have taught people is "manscaping." And believe you me, there are a lot of men in Boston (at my company, particularly) who could use some tending to.

Remember our new CEO, Darth Vaddar? Well, he totally needs a Queer Eye makeover.

I had the unfortunate honor of sitting catty-corner from him today in a marketing meeting. My boss pulled me in along to help her with some budgeting numbers, but I had to sit next to Darth. Now, this guy's only been around a few weeks and everyone basically fears him. Me in particular. So, imagine my freaking out on the inside as I had to sit near him.

I'm sitting there and the guy keeps scratching at his hair and the back of his neck. So, I look and I see that the dude has a forest of hair curling up out of his collar from his back! Massive back hair! We're talking Bigfoot potential here. All I can think is that his wife needs to spend some of his ill-gotten (from taking over corporations) gains and get his back waxed or lasered.

As if that's not bad enough, in the middle of my boss' presentation, Darth farts! FARTS! A CEO of a software company trying to get together an IPO to go public. He frickin' FARTS in front of the VPs of Sales, Engineering, Business Development and Marketing. And we're supposed to sit there and act like nothing happened? (Trust me, it wasn't silent, but it was deadly.)

Then, after the meeting was over, I was still sitting there and Darth is standing over me and I can see right up his nostrils. It looked like the Redwood forest and I was afraid some small woodland creatures were going to scamper out. He needs nose hair trimmers something fierce! Should I give them to him anonymously at Christmas time? He could also use a manicure and some ear hair trimming.

How does a man rise to such a powerful position being so hygenically challenged? I don't get it.

And I've seen a picture of his wife. Trophy bimbo. You can't tell me she can't groom and manscape him a little better? Guess all she cares about is his Platinum AmEx?

All I know is that Hunter's back in town tonight (he's going to call me) and we're going out tomorrow after work. He knows how to dress, has clean fingernails, nicely trimmed hair and I can only imagine, but I get he's not doing crop rotation on his back.

Tell me I'm not the only one this bothers...

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

i know how to wash dishes, do laundry and sew buttons back on my pants. i'm a find!

8:26 PM  

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