Thursday, August 18, 2005

No wonder men are scared...

Vanessa here...

...with some interesting insight on why guys are scared of us.

It's because they should be!

I will not use real names here (to protect the guilty), but will use vegetable names as substitutions. I have several friends who are at different stages in their love lives and it makes me stand back, shake my head and try not to emulate them or make their mistakes.

I don't understand some women's take on things. I'm sure it has to do with inner confidence or what have you or thinking a better guy is around the corner, but I'm just stunned by some recent friend activity and I have to share.

CASE STUDY #1: Carrot and Potato have been dating for four years. Carrot is all a flutter thinking Potato doesn't love her enough and he doesn't want to commit. One night recently out drinking, Carrot got sloppy drunk on Mandarin and Tonic and admitted to us that she's about to give Potato the "shit or get off the pot speech." She says she's getting too old and she wants a commitment from Potato, especially since they have two cats together and an apartment. Here's the problem. I know Potato and I know for a fact that he's been scrimping and saving every penny for the last two years so he can save up for a ring for Carrot. He's had unemployment issues, so the aggressive savings has taken him longer than expected. But he does love her and wants to marry her. She just needs to calm the hell down. But what do I do? I can't do anything. Carrot's borderline nut job hashing about this and if she's not careful, she's going to freak Potato out.

CASE STUDY #2: Broccolini just recently broke up with her boyfriend, Tomato, of three years. I think they lived together, but I can't remember exactly. Actually, I think they lived in an apartment with his parents and she packed her shit and moved out. See, Broccolini has recently lost some weight and now thinks extremely highly of herself. (She looks great, so I say whoohoo to the self confidence.) However, she told another friend of hers that she knows there's someone better out there than Tomato. She doesn't like the work hours Tomato has and she said he was (get this) "too in love" with her. (Most of us want to smack Broccolini.) But Broccolini is out there, ho-ing around, going out every night and hooking up with guys left and right. How is this finding Mr. Right? No one's going to want to buy the cow if she's givin' the milk away for free. And what's wrong with a guy who's too in love with you? Tomato is crushed (ha! -- no pun intended), but he's getting on with his life and has hooked up with his pre-Broccolini girlfriend, Cauliflower. Now, Broccolini is miserable.

CASE STUDY #3: Rutabaga is a sweet, plump girl and a good friend. She's one of these people who's always talking about dieting and her personal trainer and going to the gym, but you always see her chowing on a Wendy's double-bypass burger with cheese every day and sneaking Kit Kats from the candy machine in the afternoon. She complains all the time about not having a man in her life, yet, she's been dating Zucchini for eight months. How is this not having a man in your life? She comes up to me yesterday and tells me that she's ready to break up with Zucchini because he "acts like a nine year old." She says every time she tries to have an adult conversation with him, he plays with her stuffed monkey that sits on her couch, or he'll start switching the TV stations. She says he "doesn't have a real job" (he works in construction) and she says she can't get him to commit. Rutabaga gave Zucchini an "ultimatum." Either he give her a ring by September 1st or they're breaking up! After only eight months? Man, you can't even pop out a baby in eight months and she wants a commitment and a ring? And let me tell you, I love Rutabaga, but she's not Adrianna Lima. Then I ask her, "Do you love Zucchini?" And she says, "Yeah, I guess so," so non-chalantly that I almost fall out of my chair. So, let me get sort-of-kind-of love Zucchini, yet you're demanding a ring? Something tells me Zucchini will be sauteed by September 1st and Rutabaga will be back on the streets looking for her next victim.

CASE STUDY #4: Asparagus (green) broke up with Cucumber three months ago. Three weeks ago, she was feeling lonely so she called Cucumber up and asked him to meet her for drinks. Cucumber showed up...with (white) Asparagus in tow. She looked exactly like G. Asparagus and dressed like her, too. W. Asparagus even laughed the same way as G. Asparagus. Cucumber wanted them to be friends because he said, "you're practically the same person." Well, G. Asparagus was horrified. And offended. She breaks up with Cucumber and he goes out and finds an identical replacement? And he wants them to be friends? So, later that night, she calls Cucumber, goes over, has sex with him and then asks if W. Asparagus screws like her. Ewwww...that is just TOO MUCH INFORMATION. But G. Asparagus couldn't stand that someone else had what she didn't want. Course, Cucumber did her and hasn't called since. And yeah, he's still seeing W. Asparagus. And G. Asparagus doesn't get what went wrong.

Is it just me or have women just gone nuts, beans and crackers? I mean, I know I've been a basket case at times when it comes to men, but are all my friends at an age where they're desperate, over-confident and think the next best thing is out there just waiting for them? I had a friend about six years ago who was married, got divorced and immediately got remarried. She said she "couldn't be without a man." I thought that was sad. She'd bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend since high school, college and during her work years. Now, she's on her third husband and she's only 32.

No wonder divorce rates are so high when people are getting into marriages for all the wrong reasons: pressure, stress, ultimatums, shitting or getting off pots. Honestly, I feel for the men out there having to navigate the emotional waters of women-kind.

Which makes me think about Hunter and where things might go with him. Yeah, I've pictured our children (the twins, remember...Samantha and Claire), but honestly, it's just a mental fantasy. I would never act on those impulses. I would never give him the ultimatum at eight months and I certainly would never pressure him for a commitment and ring if the guy had been unemployed. I think we women certainly have the right to expect things from the men in our lives, the ones we let into our hearts, but let's not scare them away girls! Instead, let's be sweet, funny, charming, entertaining, interesting and understanding.

Am I just nuts or do I have a point here?

(And, of course, remind me of this when I hit my lunatic phase like all of my Vegetable friends.)

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

see what we guys have to go through?????????

7:18 PM  
Anonymous stephanie k. said...

If I may:

Case Study #1: I see it from both sides. It would help if those people actually talked to each other.

Case Study #2: Women who think they're too cute for school and will always have something better around the corner will always be disappointed.

Case Study #3: No one should get married for those reasons.

Case Study #4: That guy has issues, as does that girl. They're no good for each other.

My advice is to stay out of all of it. *BG*

8:56 PM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Ugh! I love the vegetable names though, but man, you have some screwed up friends!

The good news is that you've got it right. And very few people do!

I can't wait to hear the next installment. Cabbage and eggplant have got some issues I bet...

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

This is the funniest damn thing I've ever read!!!!!!!!!!! I know people who are exactly like Carrot, Potato and Asparagus. Isn't it amazing how crazy women can get? This is just is just a riot! Keep it up.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your blog today about the veggie couples and I nearly peed my pants.

9:04 PM  

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