Monday, September 26, 2005

Get the hats and streamers out for a real pity party...

Vanessa here...

And let me just say that life sucks.

Big time.

Yes, I have not respected Hunter's sexual boundaries. Why the hell should I? We're adults. We're allegedly attracted to each other, yet nothing. He's been closed off and strange since he returned from his week in Langley, so finally -- on the advice of William (although should a straight woman take advice from a broken hearted gay man who fits in her clothes), I put the moves on Hunter Saturday night.

The result? I'm single.

But before you start tsk-tsking me for not respecting his boundaries and stuff, Mr. Hunter Langdon is no innocent in this melodrama. He's a bastard. Just like all the rest of them out there who take your heart, toy with it and crush it like beans in the Starbuck grinder.

What happened?

Well, everything was going great on Saturday. We did this whole office outing thing with my company. It was this picnic in North Attleboro where we had tennis, frisbee, a softball game and this huge spread of food. William and Hunter went with me. (I find it hard not including William in stuff since he's so down about his own break up.) We were having a great time, enjoying the final summer hang on weather and munching on some kick-ass BBQ ribs. My boss, Aislin, remembered Hunter from the fingerprinting and gave me a thumbs up. William told me he was picking up some sexual frustration from Hunter and that I should definitely take another stab at moving the relationship to the next level tonight.

So, Hunter and I go out to dinner and then back to his place 'cause he's rented some Netflixing for us. He's got non-alcoholic beer for himself and a nice bottle of wine for me. Thoughtful, eh?

We're sitting there watching a classic Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell movie called "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" (that has the "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" routine in it) and Hunter remarked about how sad it is that in this day and age women like curves like Marilyn and Jane were considered "fat" now. I take this as a sign that he sees more than skin deep in people.

So, we start making out. I couldn't help myself. He was so cute and sweet and saying all the right things. I didn't take things further, just enjoyed the kissing. (Okay, so maybe I groped his ass a little.) Then, all of a sudden, he stops, pulls back, leans further away into the couch and wipes his mouth.

WIPES his mouth! Like he's wiping away my kiss!

Ohhhhh-kay.

Here's the convo:

Hunter: "I can't do this."

Me: "Do what? We were just kissing."

Hunter: "I can't go on like this."

Well, glory hallelujah!

I move towards him, but he stops me.

Me: "Hunter, what's wrong?"

Hunter: "I can't keep you dangling like this."

Me: "I understand your feelings, but it doesn't mean we can't kiss and make out and stuff."

Hunter: "I can't be with you right now, Vanessa."

Me: "Why? What have I done?"

Hunter: "It's not you, it's me."

Great...I've heard this speech before.

Me: "What exactly is you?"

Hunter: "This. I can't touch you knowing what I did."

Me: "What did you do?"

Oh God...he slept with William! He's gay after all and my new best friend stole him from me. I must stop thinking these things.

Hunter gets up and paces.

Hunter: "Something happened when I was in Langley."

Me: "Something? Like what?"

Please don't let him be gay.

Hunter: "Something I vowed wouldn't happen."

Me: "Hunter, you're wigging me out. Just tell me."

Hunter: "I slept with someone."

World. Stops. Spinning. Axis. Frozen.

Me: "A guy or girl?"

Hunter: (incredulously) "A girl, are you crazy?"

Me: "I don't know...am I? You tell me you've taken this vow of celibacy and you won't have sex with me, yet you have it with a complete stranger on a business trip?"

Hunter: "She's not a stranger. I've known her for a few years. We always end up at training sessions together in Langley. She's stationed in Atlanta, but we've...well, we've flirted."

Me: (can't hold back the pain) "And apparently fucked, too!"

Hunter: "It wasn't like that, Vanessa."

Me: "Sounds like that's exactly what it was."

Hunter: "I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. It was so tempting and we got to kissing and I just couldn't stop."

Me: "So, let me get this straight. Kissing me isn't tempting. Your chastity can stay in tact with me, but with this Fuck Monster down in Langley, you fell off your celibacy bandwagon?"

Hunter: "It just...happened."

Me: "No, Hunter. Things don't just happen with you. You're a planner. You have specific goals and ideas. Something like that doesn't just happen."

Hunter: "I admit it...I've always been attracted to her. We just...well, it did just happen."

Me: (on the verge of tears and totally borrowing from When Harry Met Sally) "So, it wasn't that you didn't want to have sex...you just didn't want to have sex with me."

Hunter: "Vanessa..."

Well, what else could I say at that moment? My perfect pseudo boyfriend had just admitted to cheating on me and in the process tamping down any hopes of me being tempting enough to make someone want to have sex with me. I'm nothing compared to Ms. Slutty Langley Chick.

Needless to say, I walked out. Caught a cab and cried the whole way home. I called ahead to make sure William was there and God love him, he had brownies in the oven by the time I got there. We stayed up all night talking about how much men suck and eating all of the brownies.

I've had it. I'm off the market. I've put my heart out there too much with this one and now I'm officially in Pity Party mode. Griz says I'm allowed one day per date I've had with Hunter. Well, that would be about 10 dates, so I get a week and a half of pity. And I dare anyone to tell me I'm not in the right.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been dumped so cruelly? Please tell me I'm not alone.

Off to drown my sorrows in something fattening for dinner...

Hang loose,
Double Vee = (

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men suck. Deal with it. Its a fact of life. Better to learn that he's the scum of the earth now then years down the road when you have to worry about your "marital assets".

Get back out there. Enjoy your freedom. Go have some amazingly fun, wild (but safe) sex. You deserve better.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous j said...

this guy has mental problems. you're shed of him. be glad

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never trusted that guy from the start. Too handsome. Too restricted. Too many rules. A relationship is supposed to be give and take and it seemed like he was doing all the taking and no giving. I doubled the celabicy thing from the start, so I think you're better off finding someone who can appreciate you and give you a well-rounded, full relationship.

Eat some ice cream, have a good cry and then get back out there.

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Been There, Not Done That said...

What a buttwipe! And here I thought you weren't being fair to him by trying to seduce him. What a jerk, V! The worst kind of jerks are the ones that act all noble to begin with, before showing you they are just as bad, if not worse, than the rest of us. You're well done with him.

Ahem, I know how you can get revenge... it involves his doubtlessly NSA-monitored voicemail and a few choice references to terrorist cells. The paperwork alone...

9:13 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Aw, shit, Vanessa, So sorry you had to even to go through this crap.
Looks like "anonymous" was right all along as well as the very wise, "been there, not done that".

Thank goodness for William and brownies.

the email suggestion...um...think twice about that one...nice to contemplate...

Hope you are ready to rock your world again soon!!

3:02 PM  

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