Wednesday, September 07, 2005

This is beyond even Ann Landers...

Vanessa here...

Honestly, you people are so impatient! Let me finish my story would you (Emily! *giggle*) where was I? Oh yeah...making out with Hunter, going for The Promised Land and him stopping me.

The thoughts swirling in my mind as I'm catching my breath and trying not to cry:
  • He's revolted by the sight of me and has just been being nice all these weeks
  • He has some incurable disease and doesn't want to take this further
  • He's secretly gay and was using me to try and switch to the other side
  • He's married with a wife and nine kids
  • He's actually The 30 Year Old Virgin
  • My breath stinks
  • I'm not thin enough
  • My boobs aren't big enough
  • Maybe his u-no-what isn't big enough

Who needs these thoughts?

So, I mentally flip myself off, take a deep breath, sit back on the couch and ask him (casually, yeah right) what up?

He tells me he really likes me. Oh God...I feel the break up coming. The "it's not you, it's me." But then he says he like me more than he's liked anyone in a really long time. But he (are you ready for this) doesn't believe in pre-marital sex!

Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Sorry...channeling Wayne there for a mo.


So, this gorgeous man with a body for sin doesn't believe in a little sum'in-sum'in without the bonds of holy matrimony. (Explains the sneers at Mia and her preggo belly at the wedding reception.)

The first question I ask (Emily) is "Are you a virgin?"

I mean, The 40 Year Old Virgin was a cute movie, but I don't want to be dating Andy. And I'm certain I haven't seen any superhero action figures over at Hunter's place. Was he hiding them in the closet? Is he secretly working at Tech World and doesn't know how to use a condom? (I didn't give anything pertinent away in the movie.)

He tells me that he did lose his virginity in high school to a girl named Pennie McDougal. (Who names their kid Pennie?! Like...a bad penny...a lucky penny...or wait, an I can't SPELL penny.) But since then, he really looked inward, spiritually, at the person he wants to be and being promiscuous isn't for him. (Not that I'm asking for promiscuity. Just a little sat-si-fac-tion.)

Breathe Vanessa.

But, this amazing man has not done the deed since 1990! I mean, even I have had sex since 1990. Why? Why! Why.

Hunter says with all the diseases going around and people taking relationships lightly that you really have to know that you want to spend forever with someone before spending a few hours in the sheets with them. Apparently, his sister got knocked up in college and it ruined her life. He never wanted to cause that to happen to anyone and he's never cared enough about anyone to be tempted. He says he channels all of his sexual frustrations and energies into working out at the gym, out on the shooting range and at work. Why can't he channel them to me? I assure him that I'm skank. But he just kisses me again.

He hopes I understand as he really wants to keep seeing me. (Awww...)

Can I do this, though? I mean...can I do this? I'm not some sort of foaming at the mouth nympho, but I'm human. I have wants, needs and desires. And I'm young. There will be enough time for no sex once I'm actually married. Right? Oh God, I'm going to turn into one of those crazy Case Study women we talk about? Can I just date him? Can I not take this further? Or will I go blind from lust or something? Why can't I be the woman to tempt him to drop his guard (or his pants?)

His convictions are strong. Just as they are with his no drinking policy. I mean, let's give it to the guy...he's dedicated and has incredible will power.

I guess I need to, as well. I've done Weight Watchers. I can handle portion control. And he does like to kiss and cop a feel here and there. Will that be enough?

I have to be content to just sleep with him -- we're talking cuddling and nothing else, but I feel gypped! He's drop-dead gorgeous, he's funny, he's charming, he's polite...and he's celibate? And apparently, I am too now.

What am I going to do?

What would you do?

In need of advice...
Double Vee


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Vanessa,

You can do it...

(with a little help)


8:01 PM  
Anonymous j said...

you need a real man. i have to doubt a man who won't sleep with a cute babe.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie K. said...

I think it's kind of sweet tht he wants to wait but is there a promise of sorts that you're *the* girl and you'll eventually get a pay off? I've heard of girls holding out for marriage but for a guy to do it is definitely different. I hope he's worth the wait if that's what you want.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dump him. I say this with all due respect for those who don't believe in pre-marital sex, but if you want it, and he doesn't, you won't be happy.

Think about it: can you picture yourself getting serious enough to marry someone without sleeping with him? Without living with him? If you can, then okay. If you can't, then end it now.

-- Been There, NOT Done That

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dump him. Dump his ass. You don't want to go down that road. It ain't worth it. Why waste your time with a man who can never REALLY commit to you emotionally. I don't care how cute he is.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous beejay said...

Did you ask him if he saw any chance of fulfillment on your mutual horizon? Like is he thinking of you as wife material? Or just someone to date celibately?

And you know there's a heck of a lot you can do without, well, you know.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous cheryl said...

I can't believe you people are telling her to dump this gorgeous, sweet, caring, polite guy all because he won't have sex with her? I'm with anonymous 1 and beejay, there are other things you can "do" to make you both happy. If you like him and you think it's going somewhere (and yeah, isn't it a little early to be assessing wife potential in like the first month?), then see how the relationship progresses. I don't agree with dumping him just because. Then you would be a Case Study woman. ;) (I like those. You should do more.)

7:19 AM  
Anonymous emily said...

Keep him and get a vibrator! ;) At least he's not against making out! :)

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Been There, NOT Done That said...

He may be sweet, polite, and caring, but that doesn't mean they are right for each other. I know plenty of sweet polite and caring people that I don't see as life partners for me because we have personality differences that don't make us a good match.

Double Vee strikes me as the kind of girl who would never be able to commit to someone without test driving the merchandise. Hunter clearly isn't. Therefore, incompatible. Why prolong this relationship and fall for each other until this becomes a huge Issue that drives them apart anyway?

I said if Vanessa can see herself changing her personality so that sex and sexual compatibility are no longer important to her in developing a romantic relationship, then I'm all for her continuing to see him. But I tried it, it didn't work because *I* couldn't see the relationship progressing further without that aspect of it. Why make either of them unhappy?

And don't get started on what you can "do" without "doing" -- that's a level of hypocrisy I don't even want to touch (and it doesn't protect you from STDs, either).

9:52 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Hmmm, good answers.
Dump him because he not only respects himself , but you too.
Dump him because he's treating you with dignity.
Dump him because without a trial of remarital sex it surely means a marriage would never, ever work out.
Dump him because he focuses on you in all other ways. I mean, who needs someone to cook for them, or (without hesitation) help your friend in need when she had the pre-wedding jitters. How many guys are CAPABLE of that kind of empathy? Do you really think that quality would be good in a life partner?
Dump him because he can't commit emotionally...he just sends you flowers because he doesn't "feel" for you. (they were beautiful BTW)
Oh no, sex is the proving ground., the test that lasts through time. You Don't need his friendship, his support, his willingness to help around the house, his putting you first...all wimpy attributes.
Really, whenever you have kids (not necessarily with him), you don't need someone who can cook for you because you've been up all night with a collicy kid. You have to do that too because as super MOM, you don't need anyone. All you need is sex, right? You definitely don't need the support of his strong arms around you when you have a friend in need and you are hurting because you want to help and you don't know where to turn. Hunter sounds like the type to be there. Would you want him to be?
Does he have that strength of character. Will he be strong for you?
Is sex all there is? In 25 years...would that be all you had in common?
If you had breast cancer- and the unthinkable happens- suddenly ,you feel less of a woman..would he only care about the loss of their use in the sexual ways -or would he care about YOU, Vanessa, his love and life...? Oh how sappy!!
right? Dump him! You don't want people who can "commit emotionally" that way.
If ALL he cares about is sex-then dump him. Sex itself isn't a measure of someones self worth. It can enhance, make more exciting, bring you closer and it is a physical sharing of your love BUT it is NOT love. You can love sex, but not be IN love with it.
Fall in love with a REAL MAN, not a shadow.

All this hinges on the comments from Cheryl.
Because I agree with her.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Just a fly-by 'cause I'm busy at work, but I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. Believe me, there will be NO decision made on this immediately. This is definitely something to mull over and think about. You guys are great!


12:09 PM  
Anonymous Been There, NOT Done That said...

No, Michele. Dump him because he doesn't share her value system.

Michele, do you see how *you're* the one expecting Vanessa to change her value system to fit Hunter's? Have we been reading the same blog?

"I understand him wanting to be a gentleman and all, but I'm so ripe I'm about to fall off the vine. "

"I wanted some alone time with Hunter. Could this be the night? Could this be what I’d been waiting for?"

"I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted him, like badly. I’m a desperate woman here! "

"Not that I'm asking for promiscuity. Just a little sat-si-fac-tion.)"

These quotes do not sound like a woman who can develop a romantic relationship with someone without the sexual aspect. If she was saying, Oh, that's totally cool, I think we can have a perfectly lovely relationship all the way to marriage without sex, then it would be different.

But she is in fact saying the opposite, and I quote: "I’m not thinking marriage. I mean, Hunter and I’ve been barely going out. But I am thinking about honeymoon activities."

I have several friends who are celibate, and that's so cool, but were I to set them up on a date, you'd better believe it would be with someone who was either celibate or celibate-friendly. And maybe Vanessa will decide she is. But judging from what she's written so far, I'm guessing not. And if not, she does both of them a disservice by continuing a relationship that will culminate in resentment.

This is not saying that sex is the most important part of a relationship. This is saying that it's obvious important in Vanessa's eyes, and if so, she probably won't be happy without it.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Dear Been There, Not Done That:
OK, good points.
How about compromise.
Let the relationship flow for just a bit to see if there is any forward motion.
He may say one thing, but maybe, just maybe, if he feels Vanessa is THE ONE, and he recognizes how important the steps she wants to take are necessary for HER and their relationship...he'd come around. He DOES need to meet her needs.
If not...only she'll know. Then she can say she's had a great time, enjoyed being pampered and such, but will go on until she meets her true mate.
She did ask for the back and forth of opinions and suggestions give her food for thought. And you've given a good amount. That's cool.
Fair enough?

5:43 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

You guys rock my world! Thanks for all the great advice...on both sides of the coin.


6:17 PM  

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