Monday, October 03, 2005

I'm not a Xerox Queen...

Vanessa here...

With a bitch, carp and moan, as per usual.

In my defense, it is Monday. We were out of coffee at work and the printer kept jamming on me while I was doing the morning marketing reports. The Napoleonic VP of Sales was in my face all day, asking for this, that or the other. I swear, he's out to ruin my life by keeping me from eating and taking regular breaks during the day.

But he wasn't the worst thing today. That would have been Mr. Mother-F*cking Bald Headed Sales Man, heretofore known as Mr. MFBHSM.

Have you ever run into the type of person who can't take no for an answer? Sure you have, they're called car salesmen and telemarketers. You say no and they shuffle the pages for "if no, go here" responses. Or, worse, they'll rephrase the same question to you another way to see if you'll bite.

Here's what happened with Mr. MFBHSM:

Mr. MFBHSM: Hey Vanessa, how can I get 27 copies of a 17 page PowerPoint presentation printed out in color?

VV: Just cue it up and hit "print."

Mr. MFBHSM: Won't that take a long time?

VV: It prints about 10 pages a minute.

Mr. MFBHSM: Do you have a print vendor you use?

VV: Yeah, for marketing projects.

Mr. MFBHSM: Could you send my print job out to them?

VV: I don't really do that for the sales desk.

Mr. MFBHSM: Well, who does?

VV: Why don't you ask Donovan? (sales manager)

Mr. MFBHSM: Maybe you could just print them up for me this one time.

VV: Or maybe you could just cue them up and let them print and it'll be done.

Mr. MFBHSM: Yeah, I really can't baby-sit a printer with all the leads in the pipeline I have.

VV: Well, I can't do it either. It's not really my job.

Mr. MFBHSM: Will the printer staple the copies together?

VV:'s a printer.

Mr. MFBHSM: So, is there someone who could staple it together for me?

VV: I don't know, you'll have to ask Donovan.

Mr. MFBHSM: Doesn't marketing staple a lot of stuff?

VV: Well, sure. We do a lot of things in marketing. But we do marketing things...not sales things.

Mr. MFBHSM: Maybe you could just show me how to do this. I need it for a meeting in the morning and the client's really specific about wanting it in color and having it stapled.

VV: We have three color printers. If you start now, it'll be done in an hour or so.

Mr. MFBHSM: I don't really know how to use the copier.

VV: You just put the papers in and hit the big green button.

He goes away and comes back in 5 minutes.

Mr. MFBHSM: I tried it and it's broken. Can you go fix it?

VV: You should let the office manager know.

Mr. MFBHSM: Can't you just see what's wrong? Maybe you can get this copied? (he says, handing me this all-important job)

VV: Well, there's another copier back in the Research section. You can use that one.

Mr. MFBHSM: Why can't you just help me out this one time? I'm in a bind.

VV: Because I'm already busy doing my job.

So, Mr. MFBHSM goes off to talk to our sales manager, Donovan, who goes and talks to my boss, Aislin, but Aislin's in a meeting, so he goes to the VP of Sales (Mr. Man) who comes over to me and says, "Vanessa, can you help out Mr. MFBHSM this one time? This is a very important client."

Hell's bells. Trapped like an animal in a...well, a trap.

And I can't get out of it. And Mr. MFBHSM is standing there, all smug with his five o'clock shadow on his face and his bald head shining in the fluorescent lights. Is that a smirk?! A smirk???

So, I don my crown and sash that reads "Xerox Queen" and I stand over the color printer for the rest of the afternoon. I collate and staple and then I have to make just as many black and white copies. Mr. Man had said, "while you're at it, make extra copies for the board."

Is this honestly the best use of my time? To stand there and breathe the fumes of the copier while I could be doing my job? I've been out of college for almost five years, for heaven's sake. I think I've graduated from shit work and copying other people's stuff. It's because I'm a "girl" isn't it? Oh, just let the girl do it. Let Vanessa do it...she's just a girl, you know. I mean, honestly, do you know one man who can actually properly operate a Xerox machine? (Oh, you know what was "wrong" with it when Mr. MFBHSM went to it? It was out of fecking paper! Idiot!!!) But no...let me stand there wasting my day and getting behind in my work 'cause I had to be the friggin' office Xerox Queen.

I'm seriously drowning my frustrations in William's homemade turkey stroganoff and an extra serving of Turkey Hill ice cream! I just insane or has this happened to any of you?

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Blogger Michele said...

Your memory of detail is astounding. Your stories read like they should be a novel.
It would be a best seller!

As for the advances but jerks are still jerks. They just have more reasons to practice being that way.

I'm so glad your new roommate is working out. He sounds wonderful.

7:05 PM  
Anonymous Ruthie said...

Uh, well, I may be a girl, but I was always the one who broke it. It was Adam, the Xerox hottie who always had to fix it and help me with my copies. And, no, I didn't really sabotage the machine, although, many suspected I had. Heh.

11:54 PM  
Anonymous emily said...

Welcome to my life--this happens every day for me, because our department doesn't have an admin assistant...I get stuck doing all the low-level work: ordering supplies, distributing mail, accepting meeting invites, making copies, stuffing binders...

I tell you, does that sound like the job description of a PROJECT COORDINATOR?? grrrr....

8:39 AM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Loves it, Ruthie!!! Maybe that's what I need. A hottie Xerox man in my life.

And Emily, I hear you! I'm a marketing coordinator. I coordinate marketing things...not sales guys laziness! I feel your pain, sis'tah!

(Oh, and MFBHSM just came up to me wanting me to forward information to him and I firmly said, "Sorry, I'm busy." *grrrr*)

9:13 AM  
Blogger Mel Francis said...


it's cuz you were born an XX and not an XY.

If you had a pecker and not a 'giner, he'd have walked on the next XX he could find.

Happens at my company all the time. It's unbelievable.

6:40 PM  

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