Thursday, November 10, 2005

Back my popular demand...

Vanessa here...

Well, I’ve had e-mails galore from people wanting more of the adventures of stupid women, so I combed the area, queried my friends, watched co-workers and looked at myself and alas, I have more case studies for you.

Case Study #1: Infidelity and the City: So, at thirty-three, Yellow Corn is on her third husband. She’s an attractive and fun girl, kind of a Sienna Miller type if she actually ate and had some meat on her bones. Yellow Corn’s first hubby was her high school sweetheart, they were married a year and then got it annulled. Then, her second husband was a semi-pro baseball player who was on the road a lot and cheated on her. Now, she’s married to this really nice guy, Orange, who sells life insurance. He’s really tall and cute and they seem amazingly happy together – like she’s finally found her match. However...there’s their buddy Zucchini Blossom who she’s sleeping with on the side (Orange doesn’t know) and she says – get this...get ready for it – “it doesn’t count because Zucchini Blossom is gay and confused.” Well, no shit! Honey, if a man is sleeping with a woman, he’s not gay. So Yellow Corn is screwing around on Orange with a gay/bi-sexual guy. Is this just massively fucked or what?

Case Study #2: I Love You For Your Money: A story from the West Coast, Celery Root has been with Jicama for four years. About six months ago, they pooled their work savings together and bought this beautiful house near the ocean. They got loans to make the kitchen as state-of-the-art and had a special tech team to come in and wire the whole place and outfit it with stereo and television. It’s a mansion. See, Jicama works really, really high up at a record producer and makes ooo-goodles of money. Celery Root is happy as a receptionist here and there, nothing solid, because Jicama takes care of her. That was until...a week ago, Jicama comes home from a promotional event, sits Celery Root down on the couch and tells her, “I’m gay. I have been my whole life.” Sure, Celery Root is devastated, goes out and gets snockered with her friends, but you know what? She’s agreed to stay with Jicama. She likes her high on the hog lifestyle too much and doesn’t want to give it up. Instead, she’s willing to compromise her heart for The Almighty Dollar. Jicama told her he doesn’t want to sleep with her anymore and apparently Celery Root is okay with that ‘cause she thinks she can “change him back.” Like it’s a magic trick?! Wise up, Celery Root.

Case Study #3: Oh Baby: Chervil works back in research where she cranks out information for our software product. Really a fun girl and so full of life. However, she consciously made the choice many years ago that she didn’t want kids (health and all sorts of reasons) and she was lucky enough to find a guy, Bell Pepper, who totally agreed with her and had no problem with the no kids clause in their relationship. They got married, bought a great little condo overlooking the Charles River, they travel, they go out, they’ve got a great life. Until...Bell Pepper had a near-death experience. Well, he was on an airplane when the landing gear didn’t lock in place and they had an emergency landing that scared the shit out of him. He got back from the business trip and announced to Chervil that he wanted a baby, that “I can’t leave this earth without leaving something of me behind.” Well, Chervil had made it clear that kids weren’t an option for her. And Bell Pepper didn’t want to adopt either – he wanted his own little miniature Bell Pepper to continue on (like he’s so great that his DNA has to be preserved!) They argued, they got counseling, Chervil cried, they hashed, and they decided to stick to their original plan. That was until Bell Pepper (influenced by seeing something similar on “Desperate Housewives”) switched her birth control pills and purposely knocked her up. Chervil was apeshit! But what could she do? She’s miserable, she’s not healthy, she’s not even sure the baby will be healthy, but Bell Pepper is gloating because he got his way. She just shrugged and said, “oh well.” Oh well? I would have castrated the guy!

Case Study #4: Bad Guys Finish First: Well, this one is about me. I’m just as stupid as every other woman I know. We have this new software salesman at work who took over the Chicago territory when our sales chick who covered it left to have a baby. We’ll call him Papaya. He’s wicked cute, let me tell you what, and he dresses to the nines. Jet black hair, killer green eyes and a really nice butt. I admit, I’m a little obsessed with checking him out whenever I see him buzzing through the office. When he first started working here a few months ago, he’d come over, flash those perfect white teeth at me and charm me with that smile to help him with little projects, generate some leads for him or get him office supplies (which is NOT my job.) I was flirty, smiling back, crossing my legs towards him as we talked ‘cause that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? But Papaya turns out to be a dick. When I didn’t do something he asked, he got all moody and pissy at me. When I pass him in the hall, he looks the other way. When I see him in the kitchen getting a soda, he acts like I’m not there. But when he wants something from me, Papaya’s all oozing charm out of his ears. And I always do things for him. What is wrong with me? He’s a jerk! He’s not someone who would ever be attracted to me or I’d ever really want to date because his personality sucks, yet I still look around for him in the office and am disappointed when I find his chair empty. I need a lobotomy, honestly. Why is it the really good looking ones are always jerk offs? And why is it that we women are attracted to the bad boys? It makes no sense. Course, this is all only going on in my head, so nothing’s wrong with this, but obviously, I need to get over this Papaya crush and realize he’s nothing but a fruit smoothie.

So...phew!...there you go! Crazy, eh? We’re all insane. As Mugato said in Zoolander: “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

Ah well, what can you do?

Hang loose,
Double Vee


Anonymous j said...

you hang out with some seriously fucked up people, VV

2:54 PM  
Blogger Vanessa Virtue said...

Oh no! These aren't my friends. These are stories "as told to." I'm just the reporter. :)


3:03 PM  

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